2019 in review

I know nothing.  I am nothing.

This world is stranger than any wild future I could have ever perceived.

It's all backwards.  Politics globally are out of wack and somehow Nazis are back.  The acceptance of facts and logic is seldomly practiced, and deceit has become the norm because it's rewarded with riches and success.

This is no place for the honest, only the bragadocious.

Escape

I think what I miss most is the freedom.

Chilling wit da boys
Chatting up single women
Wondering what adventures could happen
Realizing the unknown possibilities

Maybe engaging in a difference of individual philosophy, who knows

Shit

At the bare minimum

Dancing
Floating on my back in the swaying waves
Being cradled by a lack of responsibility

A boy's fantasy, really

Fantasy vs reality

Life sets in.

New priorities began in 2017.

Do the best for Jenny.

In 2020, I'll share with her what I love most.

Travel
Diversity
Learning
Photography
Music
The Arts

I realize, in most movies, what I see is an escape for the audience.  Obvi, right?  For example, older characters represent the return of youth and vitality.  Drinking steadily, wantonly, from The Fountain of Youth, will never cease to appeal to the experienced ones with torn hands and creaky backs.

I marvel at the extraordinary power and resilience of youth.  I have such high hopes for Jenny.  Engineer, doctor, entrepreneur, whatever makes her happy and independent.

Man, I just want to make Annie happy.  I'm happy we've communicated about more frequent date nights.  I'll do anything for her. She's my rock, and truly, the reason why I breathe.

Fuck, let me figure out some shit for us to do...I'm excited about

No Sleep 'Til...

Angel - Goldie

I couldn't sleep again last night.  My mind's swimming with bugs of anxiety again.  Am I doing what's right?  Can I do better?  How can I return to what makes me happy?  Why am I always so thirsty, wanting more, needing more, never satiated enough?  When did I become so selfish?

Who is this horizontal man, the one who solely consumes agents of sloth, leering at the paint of time drying on the wall behind the screens?

What is life?

Could the dissolution of The Net be the cure?

The Day I Lost You

Alice in Chains - Down in a Hole/Nutshell

Shards of my soul have fallen into the void.  Tumbling down, I see them escape, end over end into the darkness, and as I reach out to retrieve them, I pause and realize that I don't want to drop in and lose myself.  So I pull back to save myself as a stubborn tear follows in after them.

The fear of losing you suddenly became true.  I thought we'd grow old together while we watched our kids play, but people change and things are never the same.  Am I holding on to you as you are or the memory of who you were?  My door will always be open for when you return, but I can't sacrifice an iota of attention to you anymore.

I thought that, several months ago, that the blurry dreams of separation were false and baseless.  I should have known then, that my sight was clear,  but I was still surprised by how quickly twenty five years end.  I hope I'm wrong, but for now, I'll leave it and you be.

I'm done chasing a lost, scared child who wants to be alone.  My desire to protect and preserve has dwindled, and instead, a decreasing amount of hope trickles in.  You think you've got it figured out?  Well, I wish you the best as you flounder to find home.

Preacher man - Melody Gardot

I feel like these days are getting infinitely better and brighter, like I'm beginning to see the light again after trudging along for an indeterminable distance in the dark.

Left, Right, Left, Right, head up...hmmm, still can't see...head down, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, REPEEEEEEEEAT...

The power of belief, with a spark that hadn't been snuffed completely, in fact, so complete in the complete inaction of laziness, the satisfaction of the almost but not quite, coupled with the disappointing, but inevitably expected gasp of "good enough" floating in the air, is beginning to breathe new life into me.  It's strange how reaffirmation in the system and its inner gears of machinery and machinations, can suddenly illuminate a path that seemed somewhat dim.

Before now, the world seemed to remain still, no spinning, no revolutions, just sitting lifelessly, bobbing indiscernibly and ever so slightly, in the vast blackness of outer space.

Now though?  Maaaaaaaaan, you better believe it's looking up and up.  This cynic is, I fear, slowly losing his adamantine shell of indifference.  I'm starting to, oddly enough, care again and decimate the various walls that I barricade myself within.

Yorktown

I think this is it.

I don't want to jinx it, but I think this is it!

Something something

My life is running away from me.  No decision is mine.  It's all out of control.

I bend at will to however the wind blows.  I overcompensate because I fear I'm not picking up the slack.

I forget what makes me shine.

I go back and forth, I don't know what I want, I'm a moody SOB.

I'm upset when I bring it up.  I'm upset when you bring it up.

You don't listen to me.

You don't listen to me.

You don't listen to me...

Maybe the problem is, I have no fight in me.  It seems like that's what you want.  You want to go back and forth, and I just don't have the energy for that.  I'm on reserves.  Depleted.  On fumes.  But, I have to keep on.  Keep on going.  Keep on pushing.  Like Boxer, "I will do better" is all I seem to say nowadays.  Never thinking.  Just pummeling my body until I can see the breaking point.

I need a break.  From this.  From it all.

But, I can't give in.  I have to wait.  

Short-term sacrifice, Long-term gain.

Stay strong.

Keep tough.

You're weak, but you're not broken.

You can do this.  Quit being a little bitch.

Asuma

Why?

Why am I struggling?

Why do I do what I do?  I've got nothing left for what's most important to me, Annie and Jenny.

I'm not leading the life I want to live.

I'm letting my life be governed by others, and it needs to stop.

I have to remember what keeps me whole.

Music

Home-brew

Gardening

I need to prioritize.

Dark days

Thieves of joy
Scribes of lies
Nefarious agents of a timely demise

They hide in the shadows
Of their Benzes and Rovers
To pounce on a courier
And make him bend over.

Thieves of joy
Scribes of lies
Nefarious agents of a timely demise

They ask us a question
And scoff at the truth
With spit-filled coffee breath
flooding the room.

What's the point
Of a failure at craft
To supervise those
Who are still on the raft?

Whoever said
There had to be smarts
To wear a suit and tie
And be filled with hot farts?

Why reason with
A team of obtuse donkeys
If they'll only stay
For six more, long weeks?

Thieves of joy
Scribes of lies
I can't wait to tell you
"So long,  and goodbye."

Sputtering

It's not right.

I don't think you realize how it's doing my head in.  Everything I do is for you, but you don't want to give me 15 minutes.

What's the point? Why am I suffering?  Why do I keep asking?  When did I become less assertive? Less vocal? So motherfucking submissive?

You say one thing, but you do another.

I'm unraveling, thread by thread, but you don't see it.

I'm trapped, and I need to escape.

Needy

Am I a needy person?

I feel like the more I try to not cause waves,  the more I clean out all-you-can-eat and do cannonballs.

I'm so excited to talk to you that I miss the cues of what you wanna do. You're crushing it, Mom -extraordinaire.   Sometimes,  I feel it's better if I just stay out of the way.

Whaaaaaaat?!

What am I  doing?  Seriously, what in the everliving fuck am i doing?   It's temporary, it's temporary, it's Harry Cary...

It's funny how a glass of wine can solve life's problems. I completely forgot what i was stressed about.