Aware

I am suddenly aware...

America is obsessed with image, like having our shit together even when this dinghy is on fire and actively sinking.

Glasses are off...uh oh, he means business...

Annie and I recently saw this movie, "I, Tonya," the one about Tonya Harding, the Olympic skater who got wrapped up in scandal after being somewhat involved in Nancy Kerrigan's ass...or knee, being beaten down.  There were a few lessons I learned from that movie.  First, choose your friends wisely.  Not everyone you meet in life ought to be there for you at the end.    You need true, golden souls whom are only out to build you up, not bring you down.

Thank God, I found that in Hiro, Jonny, and Al.

SPOILER ALERT, go watch that fucking movie, it's fucking great...my official movie review to my legions of followers.

Second lesson I learned from that movie, it takes more work to build an image.  True heartbreak of the film was when the Olympic National Figure Skating Committee told Nancy...no, Tonya.  They told Tonya, since she was quintessential eating-rabbits, making fur-coats-out-of-that-shit white-trash, that she didn't represent the image that the NFSC was looking for, even though Tonya Harding was talented as fuck, the only woman to EVER  land a triple axel in competition.  Fucking bullshit.  NFSC wanted some angelic, cutes motherfucker, but fuck that shit. Talent is talent, motherfuckers.  I still can't believe, but I'm not surprised, by that fuckery.  Complete.  Fucking. Bullshit...that she didn't win a motherfucking thing.

Since when the fuck did I become such a pro on women's figure skating?  Since right fucking now, mother fucker.

OK.  Happy dance.  Happy dance.

Yes, after re-reading the title of this post, I am suddenly aware....of what time it is...11:53pm, Good God, let me join my wife.

Confused

I don't know what's going on, yet I suspect the culprit rests above.  My mind is playing tricks on me.  Is it the anticipation of love's arrival what's making me feel so overwhelmed?  I don't know why I feel as if I'm in pain when everything is fine.  Could I be going through social withdrawal?  I come home, exhausted, and I look at my supportive wife who will do anything for me, and I feel so guilty for not being able to explain to her what's going on.

Will I be a fit papa?  How am I going to bring a person into the world when I haven't sorted out my own shit, let alone everyone else's?  Is this a panic attack?  Life is good, what the fuck do I have to panic about?

This commute is unpleasant.  I really think it's that.  I can't bear to be so far from my family and I've even questioned, on what's certainly a daily basis, my decisions.  Fuck, man, I've got to remain positive.

Do my happy dance, do my happy dance, do my happy dance...repeat.

Ghosts and Gremlins

Farewell all you ghosts who haunt my dreams.  

The echoes of your cries won't stir me at night.

You will not stop me.  

You will not break me.  

You no longer are a concern of mine.  

Be gone all you gremlins who clog the gears of my machine.

Your tinkering will fail to derail what works just fine.

You will not sway me.  

You will not shake me.  

You no longer are a concern of mine.  

Viral

Album: Dirt (1992)
Artist: Alice in Chains
Songs: "Them Bones," "Dam That River," "Rain When I Die"

written on 10-26-2017

I'm feeling pretty lousy,
like a cat without a mousy,
unafraid, but I'm pondering,
what's gonna happen next?

I'm sorry for the attention,
that you've suddenly been getting,
because of me and the tree that
I stopped to admire.

That fall day, my back was hurting,
and I thought, to ease the burden
by going up and lying flat
to soothe the pain away.

I meant no harm to you nor they
who were supervising that day.
If I knew then what I know now,
I would have stayed inside

To deal with the pain that I disguise
with smiles and jokes, but I realize
to be honest with you, only
helps me out of this mess.

Don't write me up - Oh, please!  Oh, please!
I'm too proud to be on my knees
for each day and each step, they grow
old, wrinkly, creaky, and tired.

Once again, I seem distracted
so I'll return to what the fact is
that this is the first and the last time
that I will go viral.

Us Versus Them

The saga continues
into the night, 
argue the fools
"I'm right! I'M RIGHT!!"
shouting so loud,
with cracked shards
of jagged vinyl
littering the floor.

Who can yell louder?
Who can type faster?
Who can be wittier?
Who can care more?

It all repeats 
into the next day
when light breaks
and darkness fades away
while the fat cats
of Wall Street
recline once again
to play the game 
of social division and decline,
just to get richer and richer...

And all the while,
unbeknownst to the masses,
as much as we try,
nothing advances,
the left and the right, 
the black and the white,
will scream at each other
until our ears and fingers bleed, but
nothing will change, friends,
nothing will change.

So quit *****ing.

Cynics rise!

It's 2017, and although I find myself in a familiar scene and setting, at O' Toole's Pub in Richmond, Virginia, it all seems so strangely different.  Once again, the buzz of a game one of the final in a sports game, louder advertisement s, and boozy laughs accompanied by busy conversations throughout is comforting, like a mother's embrace after a long, hard day.

However, the odd factor rests u easily upon the sight of this particular affair: new, tiny companions.  I'm sitting at the corner of a shiny, mahogany bar, and down one line sit eight men with different hair shades of reds, browns, and greys.  A majority of them have a blue glow on their faces due to their smartphones that are lying down seductively before them.  This has become a societal norm, to be confronted with loneliness when in a public setting and assuaged by miniature bits of technology; the smartphone is the America's new best portable buddy.

I suppose the image of that one guy writing on a cocktail napkin at a bar, as yours truly is known to do, is just as queer.  I'm no stranger to taking the path less traveled, but I'm still u easy with this phenomenon.  At the mature age of 33 (Ha! Revisit this in a few years!), I feel it's far easier to take a few steps outside of reality to become the chaperone of society and its trends of culture.  Man, in my 20s, I was all about being active in the scene, knowing what was up.  Now, in my 30s, I couldn't be bothered by it at all.  So, why the quandary about what occupies others' interests?  Could it be my concern of the depletion of social interaction and building human relationships? Eh, it's something to do.

I acknowledge this trend, I refuse to conform to the ways of Twitterverse and such, and I remain content with what's around me rather than what's digitally in front of me.  To each their own, of course, and I'll gleefully be grateful for the everlasting presence of cocktail napkins at taverns as others are with their portable pocket pals.

Oh, boy! I'm excited to be writing I can't wait to whip out my toy and blog about this on my smartphone!

The irony...

GRIT

Keep at it.  All of the obstacles are temporary mental blocks, but remember what you're fighting for and achieve success.  Nothing will stop you.  The only enemy that will prevent you from reaching your goal is yourself.  Continue on your path, and you shall succeed.

Your opponents, the stage bosses of the different levels of life, will do all they can to defeat you, but they will fail.  You may encounter a setback or two, but persist.  The American spirit is one of true perseverance.   Keep placing one foot in front of the other, and move on to your goal.