Preacher man - Melody Gardot

I feel like these days are getting infinitely better and brighter, like I'm beginning to see the light again after trudging along for an indeterminable distance in the dark.

Left, Right, Left, Right, head up...hmmm, still can't see...head down, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, REPEEEEEEEEAT...

The power of belief, with a spark that hadn't been snuffed completely, in fact, so complete in the complete inaction of laziness, the satisfaction of the almost but not quite, coupled with the disappointing, but inevitably expected gasp of "good enough" floating in the air, is beginning to breathe new life into me.  It's strange how reaffirmation in the system and its inner gears of machinery and machinations, can suddenly illuminate a path that seemed somewhat dim.

Before now, the world seemed to remain still, no spinning, no revolutions, just sitting lifelessly, bobbing indiscernibly and ever so slightly, in the vast blackness of outer space.

Now though?  Maaaaaaaaan, you better believe it's looking up and up.  This cynic is, I fear, slowly losing his adamantine shell of indifference.  I'm starting to, oddly enough, care again and decimate the various walls that I barricade myself within.

Yorktown

I think this is it.

I don't want to jinx it, but I think this is it!

Something something

My life is running away from me.  No decision is mine.  It's all out of control.

I bend at will to however the wind blows.  I overcompensate because I fear I'm not picking up the slack.

I forget what makes me shine.

I go back and forth, I don't know what I want, I'm a moody SOB.

I'm upset when I bring it up.  I'm upset when you bring it up.

You don't listen to me.

You don't listen to me.

You don't listen to me...

Maybe the problem is, I have no fight in me.  It seems like that's what you want.  You want to go back and forth, and I just don't have the energy for that.  I'm on reserves.  Depleted.  On fumes.  But, I have to keep on.  Keep on going.  Keep on pushing.  Like Boxer, "I will do better" is all I seem to say nowadays.  Never thinking.  Just pummeling my body until I can see the breaking point.

I need a break.  From this.  From it all.

But, I can't give in.  I have to wait.  

Short-term sacrifice, Long-term gain.

Stay strong.

Keep tough.

You're weak, but you're not broken.

You can do this.  Quit being a little bitch.

Asuma

Why?

Why am I struggling?

Why do I do what I do?  I've got nothing left for what's most important to me, Annie and Jenny.

I'm not leading the life I want to live.

I'm letting my life be governed by others, and it needs to stop.

I have to remember what keeps me whole.

Music

Home-brew

Gardening

I need to prioritize.

Dark days

Thieves of joy
Scribes of lies
Nefarious agents of a timely demise

They hide in the shadows
Of their Benzes and Rovers
To pounce on a courier
And make him bend over.

Thieves of joy
Scribes of lies
Nefarious agents of a timely demise

They ask us a question
And scoff at the truth
With spit-filled coffee breath
flooding the room.

What's the point
Of a failure at craft
To supervise those
Who are still on the raft?

Whoever said
There had to be smarts
To wear a suit and tie
And be filled with hot farts?

Why reason with
A team of obtuse donkeys
If they'll only stay
For six more, long weeks?

Thieves of joy
Scribes of lies
I can't wait to tell you
"So long,  and goodbye."

Sputtering

It's not right.

I don't think you realize how it's doing my head in.  Everything I do is for you, but you don't want to give me 15 minutes.

What's the point? Why am I suffering?  Why do I keep asking?  When did I become less assertive? Less vocal? So motherfucking submissive?

You say one thing, but you do another.

I'm unraveling, thread by thread, but you don't see it.

I'm trapped, and I need to escape.

Needy

Am I a needy person?

I feel like the more I try to not cause waves,  the more I clean out all-you-can-eat and do cannonballs.

I'm so excited to talk to you that I miss the cues of what you wanna do. You're crushing it, Mom -extraordinaire.   Sometimes,  I feel it's better if I just stay out of the way.